First Week of School: It's Complicated

I made it through my very first week of grad school, but just barely. I was very excited to start. After all, I've been saying that I "eventually want to get my MFA" for about ten years now and it's strange to actually be starting down that road. I don't think I could have ever mentally prepared myself for the journey, though.

Monday was fine, since I took the day off work in order to spend the morning sipping coffee, walking the dog, and reading a good book. Class went well and I got to choose a studio space and I went home feeling tired but happy. But then Wednesday happened. Wednesday was kind of a shit storm. I had to work from 9:00-1:00 and then race out to Kent (an hour away), find a parking space, and be in class by 2:15. I sped the whole way, clumsily eating my lunch in the car, and arrived on campus with a good 20 minutes to park and get to class. I would've been on time, early even, if there were actually any parking spaces near the textile studio. Myself and about a dozen other people circled the lot, all of us looking for an empty spot that didn't exist. My only option was to drive to the other commuter lot, all the way on the other side of the campus. Not only was I not quite sure how to get there, but there was also construction going on and therefore, an annoying traffic jam in addition to countless undergraduate pedestrians that kept crossing the road in front of me, forcing me to stop so as to avoid going to prison for vehicular manslaughter. By the time I made it to the other parking lot, I was halfway to hysterical. I parked, grabbed my stuff and hauled ass to class, only I still wasn't quite sure of the most direct route to my building from where I was. I was half running, half walking as fast as I could because my back and knees were killing me (I'm not that old! Why am I so achy?!) and I felt like I couldn't breathe because I was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack (running late and being lost are two things that always set me off). By the time I finally made it to class, I was only about five minutes late and hadn't really missed anything, but I was also out of breath and sweating like a pig. Miraculously, I was able to calm down and enjoy my feltmaking class. We learned how to dye some of the wool roving that we're working with and we worked on some felting, as well. I ended up staying after class for two hours to get some work done and by the time I was finished I was completely exhausted. It's strange how when my mind and body are occupied with a task, I can keep going, but as soon as I take a little break, I'm done for, completely devoid of energy. But I mustered what little energy I had left and, again, I walked all the way across campus to the parking lot. Of course, when I got there, I realized that, in my panic to get to class on time, I completely forgot to make a mental note of exactly where I parked my car in this endless, sprawling lot. So I wandered around like an idiot until I spotted my ride, got in, and drove the hour home in a sort of half-conscious daze, totally on auto-pilot, all the while negative thoughts running through my mind. Thoughts that I should just drop out now, that I'm not going to be able to possibly maintain this kind of a schedule for the next several years if I feel this way after only a couple of days, that I can be an artist on my own terms, I don't need a piece of paper to make it official, that I should cut my losses and spend money on fantastic vacations instead of giving this university everything I've got in the hopes that I might be able to find a job upon graduation (yeah, right). It was a sort of flight or flight response and my instinct was to fly away as quickly possible.

Luckily, Friday was a little better. I didn't have to work that day, so I was able to go directly to school with plenty of time to park and get situated. It was the first session of my seminar/independent study class. Basically, all the textile students get together for discussion and critique, followed by time spent in the studio. It sounds simple enough but we went over all of the requirements and expectations for the entire semester and my head was absolutely spinning. All of us also had to show a piece of ours as an introduction to the kind of work we'll be doing throughout the semester, and it was immediately obvious that I was surrounded by a lot of very talented artists. It was intimidating. One of my studio mates is a Fulbright Scholar, for chrissakes. I felt like a total hack amongst all that talent.

This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I've only made it through my first week of graduate school and already I have these lovely little bruise-like circles under my eyes and the glazed over, far off gaze and shuffling gait of a zombie. I have never been so overwhelmed and terrified in my entire life. What the hell was I thinking?! I'm running myself ragged all in the pursuit of some crazy dream of being a professional artist! It would be so much easier to just give up, it really would. I could use a nap. BUT! Let me tell you something. I have never been a quitter. I am a stubborn and determined person, it's just the way I am. Amidst  the urge to give up, this little voice of reason was asking me to consider what would actually happen if I dropped out, went back to my comfort zone. It told me that I'd be stuck in the job that I hate indefinitely, that not going ahead with school would narrow my options, that I would feel hopeless, that I would be more disappointed in myself than I have ever been, and that just because things are hard now doesn't mean I won't settle into it in time, find a rhythm.

The good news is that school itself is not the issue. It's trying to work full-time and go to school at a campus that is an hour away. I find myself wondering how I will ever fit it all in, juggle this crazy schedule. Believe me, if I could attend school somewhere closer, I would, but Kent is the only school in Northeast Ohio with an MFA program, which seems ridiculous (Cleveland State, I'm looking at you) and their textile program is really amazing. It's sad that my gut reaction to the stress and chaos is to give up on something that I've dreamed of doing for many years. Give up on something that means more to me than anything. Shouldn't I be thinking about quitting an unrewarding job that I'm sick of to make more room for the things I am unwaveringly passionate about? Well, I wish I could. But let's face the facts, I have bills to pay. Not working is not an option. If only they would double my salary so I could cut my hours in half. I'm going to have to figure something else out but until I figure out what that something is, I'll just have to keep reminding myself that I'm tough and I can do this, I can do this, I CAN DO THIS!

Small Beginnings...

I've been spending my free time working on a bunch of different projects, a little at a time. I've found I get the most done when I break things up into small tasks, otherwise I get too overwhelmed and intimidated by the big picture. Right now I have little beginnings of projects all over the place, including the coffee table, mantel, studio, and dining room table. My husband is a good man-he doesn't even complain about eating dinner surrounded by scraps of paper and random projects in varying states of completion. 

I'm working on my submission for the Morgan's annual open house and silent auction, as well as a submission for Loganberry Books' altered book Octavofest show and competition. I'll post pictures here when they're complete.

I'm also mentally preparing myself for school. I can't believe classes start in one week. I've been planning to go to school for the longest time and now it's finally here. It always seemed like one of those things that was going to happen far away in the future. It's surreal that the future I've been dreaming of is now my current reality.

I had orientation this morning, which was informative but, honestly, kind of overwhelming. It finally dawned on me what a huge undertaking this is and how this will dominate my life for the next three or four years. It's kind of terrifying. But, I'll do what I always do when faced with something big and seemingly insurmountable-I'll take a deep breath and do things one little bit at a time.

 I'll admit it. Last week was pretty rough. The husband was out of town for work and not only did my employer refuse my new proposed schedule that would allow me flexibility when I start school, I also did not get into the art exhibition I applied for. Let me elaborate. 

First, let me just say that I knew it wouldn't be easy going back to school while working full-time. But I had no doubt it was the right thing to do. Making the decision to go back to school was easy. There's nothing I'm more passionate about than my art and I don't want to do anything else with my life. Not only will getting my MFA give my work credibility, it'll allow me to teach art at the college level, as well, something I think I'll really love. The obvious thing to do was to go for it, fully and completely. And while going back for my MFA is a dream come true for me, my actual dream involves being independently wealthy and not having to work while taking classes. Unfortunately, this is not a reality. Since I'm not rich and refuse to take out any more student loans, which would be financially disastrous in the long run, I have to work as many hours as possible to still be able to pay bills and tuition. I had a plan all worked out, where if I were allowed to work two twelve hour shifts, I'd still be able to get in my forty hours a week, working five days. My supervisor and department manager had no problem with this plan. However, this solution was immediately shot down by The Man in Charge. I was told it would "set a precedent" and he didn't want other employees approaching him with similar requests.And while they would not approve a couple of twelve hour shifts, they will allow me to work six or seven days a week, if need be. Gee, thanks. Bottom line, they're more concerned with what might happen if they accommodate my request than me as a person and my quality of life. I guess he doesn't want to "set a precedent" for actually treating his employees well.

I have to say, I feel completely let down and betrayed. This is an employer I have worked for for almost six years now and I assumed that education would be looked at as an important thing. Their refusal to be flexible puts me in a really difficult situation. I can switch to part-time where I'm at and make less money and earn fewer vacation days for it and be even more strapped for cash than I already am or I can work six days a week while going to school and basically never see my husband or have time to actually work on my school projects.  It's a lose-lose situation.

Luckily, I had already planned on taking most of last week off, so after all this frustration, I was able to stay home for the rest of the week, which was a good thing, since my attitude following this incident was less than cheerful. Staying home was supposed to be relaxing and I did initially get some good work done on my current art projects, but then on Thursday, word came back about the show I applied to. And the news was not good. Neither of the two pieces I submitted got in.  I was feeling really confident that at least one of the two would make the cut, so I was pretty shocked about not getting in at all. And despite the fact that I feel really good about the work I'm doing right now, the rejection still sent a powerful wave of self-doubt through me. Honestly, I know that rejection is a part of life and I've certainly experienced my fair share of it. But it still stings. I did feel a little better, though, after picking my pieces up and being told to keep trying. Even though the guest judges didn't choose my work for the show, the people at The Morgan still like my work and want me to keep going with it, which is encouraging.

Needless to say, I was kind of down after all that. I spent a couple of days brooding. But life goes on. You get up and brush yourself off and continue on. I don't have a solution right now. All I can do at this point is just keep going and have faith that everything will work out. I won't abandon my dream of going to school and being a professional artist. If there's one thing I am, it's persistent.I will make this work, even if things get worse before they get better. Things do not always go as planned and I think it's important to chronicle my struggles here as well as my triumphs. Down the road I'll be able to look back and feel proud of all the obstacles I've overcome in the pursuit of my dreams.

Gallery Submissions

The folded circles

I've spent the better part of the past two weeks working on a couple of submissions for The Morgan's inaugural juried exhibition. Pieces had to either be done on paper or consist of at least 50% paper. Each of my pieces were made of paper attached to canvas, and while they were made of the same material, the two couldn't be more different.

The first piece is called Blank Botanical #1. I folded many hundreds of these small paper circles and strung them onto linen bookbinding thread, and then I sewed the strands onto a plain white, 2ft by 2ft canvas. The result is overwhelmingly sculptural. The more strands I sewed onto the canvas, the more textured and layered it became. And although the pieces that I attached were all white, I used different shades of white to get a variety of tones in the piece.

A detail of the finished Blank Botanical #1 piece

The strips all prepped and ready to be attached to the canvas

The second piece consisted of hundreds of little strips of paper. I drew repetitive lines all over these pieces and then glued them onto a long, narrow white canvas in rows. The shape of the canvas itself is similar to the shape of the pieces of paper, and also to the shape of the lines I drew on the paper. I call it Line Study #3 and it's a design I've been working with for quite a while now and plan on continuing with. As you can see, a lot of my work deals with repetition and my techniques tend to be pretty labor intensive. The Blank Botanical piece took somewhere around 40 hours of work and I estimate my Line Study piece took about 15 hours. I often joke that I don't like to work on anything that's not obsessive. Most people who see me work on these things just think I'm nuts because, to them, that kind of tedious task would drive them crazy. But it's just the opposite for me. I find the work to be meditative, and for this reason I find the method to be as important as the final result.

Anyway, after all that I hope at least one of the pieces gets into the show. I love The Morgan and it's because of them that I work so much with paper lately. It would be a real honor to have a piece of mine included in their first juried show and, let's be honest, the exposure would be great. I'll keep my fingers crossed. 

On Being a Photographer

 I made the decision last week to include some of my photography in my Etsy shop. I was hesitant to do so, simply because I thought it would give my shop a less cohesive look; it seemed odd to add photographs to a shop that specializes in book and paper arts. However, I came to the conclusion that the shop is not just about the products I'm making to sell, it's about me as an artist. If that makes my shop seem scattered and unfocused, it's because my career as an artist has been such, and I embrace and celebrate that. It's not that I don't stick to my projects, it's that I'm always wanting to expand my skills and knowledge and I find learning about new techniques and tools really sparks my creativity. Every time I take a workshop or class, my work moves forward in a new direction and I grow as an artist. In short, my work is eclectic and mixed media.

As for the photography, I feel it's a really big part of my body of work that almost no one gets to see because I don't put it out there. I've been a photographer for over 15 years now (how the time has flown!), have a Bachelor's degree in the subject, and it's something I still really love doing, even if doing my serious work is generally relegated to vacation time. Traveling to new places is inspiring and I'm always sure to dust off the camera and shoot like it's going out of style when I'm on the road, but rarely do I do so at home. Perhaps posting my prints on Etsy will encourage me to bust out the camera (the real camera, not just the one on my iphone) and shoot close to home instead of waiting to travel to do so.

I think one reason I haven't shown my photographs to very many people or made any attempt to show my
photographic work in a gallery is because it seems everyone thinks they're a photographer now. With the

advent of digital cameras and smart phones putting cameras at every person's fingertips, the role of the professional photographer has been diminished. It's great that we all have the means to document the world around us but I don't think that should discount the fact that some people have a natural eye for framing a shot or picking out an interesting scene. In any case, it's not stopping me from shooting and now, here I am, putting it out there.

Open for Business

It took me a long time, almost two years, in fact, to finally take this handy little Zutter binding machine out of its box and learn how to use it. I don't know what I was waiting for. I mean, it's pink. And tiny. How intimidating could it be? But I thought it might be difficult and frustrating to learn how to use it, so I just didn't use it at all. It couldn't have been easier, though. I just watched the brief instructional DVD it came with and I was almost immediately spiral binding like a pro.


Learning how to use the binding machine coincided with finally re-opening my Etsy shop. It's been closed since my back surgery a year and a half ago. I was thinking about re-opening it for quite some and I was racking my brain trying to think of new product ideas to re-launch with. But instead of holding out for theoretical new products, I decided to just start where I was, and I reopened the shop with the remaining inventory I had kicking around from when I shut it down in January of 2012. The re-opening of my shop proved to be inspiring, hence digging out the binding machine. I got to work making a bunch of these adorable mini spiral bound notebooks, which you can snap up in my shop for a mere $10. More designs and sizes are soon to come.

I'm Back

A lot has happened since my last post. Despite my silence here I've actually been more productive than I have been in a long time, possibly ever. Last summer I took several workshops at the Morgan Conservatory and I just completed another last month. They taught me lots of new skills and transformed my work, which is the reason I keep going back there year after year for these workshops. I don't know where I'd be without these workshops and without the Morgan.

Encaustic Lines (portfolio piece)

I also had work in two different shows. The first show was the Morgan's annual open house and silent auction. I have to say, it was the event of the year. Not only did I get to see my work in a gallery for the first time in too many years, but there was great food, music, and people. I also participated in Cleveland State University's annual People's Art Show. Since the show wasn't juried, there were hundreds of entries and everyone who applied got in. The art was displayed literally from floor to ceiling, covering every inch of bare wall. It was interesting to see the variety of work and there was a great turnout at the opening. I expect to do both of these shows next time around.

In other news, my husband and I bought a house and moved in January. I've never properly settled in anywhere we've lived before because I never saw the point in getting too comfortable when we would inevitably move again. I always joked that I was probably the only artist around who had bare walls. But now that we have our own place I have settled quickly and completely, the urge to nest has taken me over. There's plenty of art on the walls, there's a place for everything, and I feel so safe and comfortable there. As soon as we looked at the place I knew we had to buy it. It just felt right. Not only did it seem like a miracle to get out of our previous living situation, having a place of our own has been really good for my creativity. Now that I've got a permanent, comfortable place for my studio, I feel there's no stopping me.

Home Sweet Home

 In addition to buying my first home, which is a milestone in its own right, I also applied to graduate school. Although I already have my Master's degree in Library and Information Science, I always said that some day I wanted to go back and get my Master's of Fine Arts. Dissatisfaction with my job and a perpetual lack of other opportunities made me decide that there was no time like the present. So, in the midst of packing and moving from our apartment, I was able to somehow get my act together and submit a portfolio and application to Kent State. And luckily, they liked what I had to show them. I was accepted into their Textiles program for this coming Fall, which is equal parts exciting and terrifying. It's going to be a struggle financially and I'm going to be insanely busy with both school and work, and it's going to take forever, since I can only afford to go part time (more student loan debt is NOT an option) but I know it's going to be worth it. It's become so clear to me that the right thing to do is follow my passion.

Abaca Fiber Horn (portfolio piece)

If there's anything the last six months or so have taught me is that things can change so quickly. A year ago I was miserable. I hated my job, I couldn't stand my living situation, and I was clinically depressed. But now I have a home of my own, I have graduate school to look forward to, and I'm happier now than I've ever been. I still hate my job but with school starting in just under two months, my focus has shifted and I've become more mindful of all the positive things in my life. I think this is the start of many good things.